Alright, I know what you’re thinking: “Two gay posts in a row, oh god, this is gonna be one of those gay blogs.” And to that I say, no it won’t be a gay blog but because this blog is about my life and I am gay, my gayness will most likely be mentioned a few times. Whoops.
Growing up, I knew very little about sex. Once I started to pay attention and tried to learn, I was taught that it was only for hetero couples (sometimes gay men, but this was unnatural and looked down upon). The idea of two women feeling even romantically towards each other never crossed my mind.
Once I started seeing more of sex in movies, I always found that I was more interested in the females than the males in sex scenes. I remember feeling certain ways when Kathy Baker’s character tried to seduce Edward Scissorhands but I never understood why. I was also insanely attracted to Leeloo from the Fifth Element but I told myself that it was just because she was pretty and I was jealous. This was a never-ending cycle throughout my life.
When I was in high school, one of my best friends was gay and I felt like I could talk to him about my curiosity. I would constantly tell him that I saw a cute girl at school and he would ask if I was bisexual and I would always say that I didn’t know. While in high school, I had three boyfriends, none of whom I did anything sexually with. I always found that I liked them more romantically than I did sexually. I loved holding hands and sitting together on the couch while watching movies, but the idea of having sex with them just didn’t seem right. At the time, I thought this was just because I wasn’t dating the right man and eventually I would find a good boyfriend.
During this time, I was very close with a friend of mine named Brooke. She easily became my best friend during high school because things were always easy and natural with her. I could talk to her about anything and I was always excited to go to certain classes so I could see her. We hung out every single weekend and started going on small road trips together. Brooke was openly gay and always talked about her feelings towards females. This made me think more about the way I felt about girls. I realized that I felt more towards girls than just appreiating their looks. At one point, I opened up and told Brooke about this in the most detail I could give her and she was kind and told me that the confusion will eventually go away and I’ll eventually figure out everything that was unclear at the moment.
Because of our closeness, all of our mutual friends thought that we were secretly dating, which sounded ridiculous to Brooke and I. I mean, sure, we couldn’t go a weekend apart and yes, we would occasionally drive to Santa Barbara and eat dinner on the pier together and of course there was that time we went to San Francisco together, but obviously our friendship was strictly platonic.
In May, Brooke and I spent an entire week in Los Angeles because it was my birthday week so we had a lot planned. During this week, we became more physically intimate. We started holding hands in the car, resting our heads in each others’ laps, cuddling while watching TV. I started to think more about our relationship but I didn’t want to mess up anything so I pushed it off. Once we came back from LA, one thing led to another and Brooke and I had sex. This confused the both of us immensely. I went home the next morning and sat and thought about everything and realized that I did have feelings for Brooke. We talked the entire thing through and Brooke said she had feelings for me as well. A few days later, we began dating. This led to more confusion about my sexuality, because I had dated men in the past. After rethinking the entirety of my life, I came to the conclusion that I liked both male and females romantically but only females sexually and I declared myself as a biromantic homosexual, a label and sexuality that I never even knew existed until I started googling everything.
When I came out to my family, they all were super accepting. My brother, being a know it all and one of the Team Brooke and Ari Are Secretly Dating supporters, said that he had called it. My mom took a while to get completely used to it because I hadn’t told her that I was confused for a while and that hurt her. My grandmother didn’t care one bit about me being gay (she even told me that she had dated a woman in the past), she was just upset that I came to work with hickeys on my neck. With everything going so well, I felt so guilty. So many people have awful, horrible coming out experiences and mine was fast and easy. I felt like I was supposed to apologize for being a disgrace to the gay community because I only truly struggled with my homosexuality for a small bit of time. Brooke helped me understand that many people have positive coming outs and that I shouldn’t put myself down for this.
For years I thought that I would never figure out my sexual identity, let alone be happy in a relationship. Now I’m sitting in mine and Brooke’s bed, eating graham crackers and singing along to “So Yesterday” by Hilary Duff. In the words of Hilary: “Haven’t you heard that I’m gonna be okay.”